


Code Sawbones

by Creed Cascade (creedcascade)



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-07
Updated: 2011-11-07
Packaged: 2017-10-25 19:13:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/273786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creedcascade/pseuds/Creed%20Cascade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>McCoy and Spock like to argue. Jim gets involved. He really shouldn’t have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Code Sawbones

Uhura swivelled her chair around at her station, inching her short skirt further up her thighs. Kirk had learned long ago to keep his gaze focused on her beautiful brown eyes and away from either her legs or cleavage while on duty. He tried to follow that wisdom most of the time.

“Captain, I’ve received a request from Lieutenant Chapel for assistance in Sickbay,” Uhura reported. “Code Sawbones.”

Kirk groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. Chapel and Uhura were friends off-duty and were a force to be reckoned with. He knew Code Sawbones had been the brainchild of their tag teaming. Even though he was a master of strategic thinking, he could never quite wrap his mind around the mystery of the feminine mind. That’s why men were easier and he enjoyed spending most of his time either with Bones or Spock. Kirk was certain the women were up to something with Code Sawbones, but he had yet to figure it out.

One of the perks of command was delegation and he planned to use that privilege now.

“Lieutenant Uhura, I order you to…”

“I went last time,” she countered.

“That doesn’t mean…”

“It’s your turn.” Uhura abruptly twisted her chair back to her station and punched a few buttons. “You’d better go before they scare any more of the medical staff or mentally scar the patients again.”

Kirk stood up despite his wish to stay exactly where he was. Sulu was smirking and tried to hide it with his hand. Chekov wasn’t doing better at hiding his amusement either.

Kirk adjusted his collar, tugging at the black undershirt and frowned at Uhura.

“Lieutenant, using that tone with your commanding officer could be constructed as…”

She kept her back turned to him. “Go.”

Kirk groaned and felt his headache worsen at the thought of going down to Medical. But, Uhura had used ‘The Tone’ and even Captain James T. Kirk wasn’t about to fight her when she used ‘The Tone’. Hell, even Spock, and allegedly Klingons, succumbed to ‘The Tone’.

Kirk squared his shoulders and announced, “Lieutenant Sulu, you have the Conn.”

Uhura’s relationship with Spock had never really moved beyond friendship and both were satisfied with that status quo. That being said, Uhura was ridiculously protective of him. These days Spock’s favourite pastime was McCoy-baiting. It was a live game of chess. Kirk knew from personal experience what a good opponent Spock was. The McCoy-baiting happened frequently enough that it had been given a codename of Code Sawbones, otherwise known as ‘Get-Here-Before-McCoy-Attempts-Vulcancide.’

Through the turbo ride Kirk contemplated different strategies and tactical approaches to the impending confrontation. He was pretty sure shutting McCoy up with one of his hyposprays would result in painful retribution. He stalked into the sickbay and saw Nurse Chapel at one of the monitors.

“Report, Lieutenant Chapel,” he ordered.

“They’re in Doctor McCoy’s office.”

“Volume level?”

“Thunderous,” Chapel answered and cracked a smile. “At least from the Doctor.”

“Standby in case there are causalities.”

“You’re a brave man, Captain.”

Chapel had the nerve to salute him, but at least she looked mournful as he marched off to his doom. Secretly he knew she had meant ‘Better-You-Than-Me-Captain-Sucker’.

“You miserable megalomaniac!” McCoy bellowed as Kirk approached his best friend’s office.

McCoy had called him similar names before, but this barrage was aimed at Spock, who standing in front of his Chief Medical Officer’s desk with his hands crossed behind his back. Spock’s stance seemed formal and stiff to anyone who didn’t know him, but Kirk could tell that the tension Spock had shown on the Bridge was gone. McCoy, on the other hand, was an unflattering shade of red and his hands were gesturing rapidly.

Right one cue, Spock said something that pissed McCoy off even more. “Your argument is illogical, Doctor.”

McCoy sputtered and Jim saw a vein throb on his forehead. “I’ll give you illogical …”

“Bones!” Jim shouted.

McCoy turned away from Spock and glared at Jim. “What are you doing here?”

“I don’t need a hypospray, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Kirk told him immediately.

McCoy had always been able to read Kirk. He eyed the Captain critically and diagnosed verbally, “You have a headache.”

“I wonder why,” Kirk muttered.

Spock had impeccable hearing, but piss poor understanding of sarcasm. “What was that, Captain?”

“I thought you were off-duty,” Kirk said. “Are you ill?”

Kirk noticed that McCoy was already programming a hypospray and manoeuvred himself so that Spock was directly in McCoy’s path to get at him.

“Only his logic is sick,” McCoy grumbled and tried to get past Spock. “Would you get out of my way?”

Spock’s eyebrow arched. “I have remained stationary, Doctor. You are being most…”

“Irksome?” Kirk supplied in what he thought was a most helpful way.

Spock was not amused. “That is assuming I am capable of such an emotion.”

“Bones can be quite irksome.”

Kirk sidestepped and nearly burst out laughing when McCoy lunged at him, but was restrained by Spock. He was pretty sure Spock was capable of being both greatly amused and irked by McCoy, amongst other things. You would have to be dead to be otherwise around the cantankerous man. McCoy made bitching an art form and scarily sexy.

“Really, Doctor,” Spock lectured and kept McCoy in place with a restraining hand on his shoulder. “This proves my point that you have been at your post too long. You’ve become overly emotional.”

Kirk recognized McCoy’s rage rising to dangerous levels. It was up to him to diffuse the situation before McCoy did something he would regret, at least while he was in a public space.

“Mr. Spock, you’re dismissed,” Kirk said. “I’m here to see Doctor McCoy.”

Spock nodded his head in acknowledgement of a direct order.

“Aye, Captain.” Turning to McCoy, he nodded his head once more and Kirk could have sworn there was an amused scrunch at the corners of his eyes. “Doctor, until next time.”

This time it was Kirk who held back McCoy. The string of insults was fierce, strung together in a jumble, but still impressive considering McCoy was nearly dead on his feet. As Spock left, he nodded to Chapel before the entrance to sickbay chimed his exit. Only once Spock had safely escaped, did Kirk dare let McCoy go.

“Now, Bones, I wouldn’t take too kindly to you killing my First Officer.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t kill that green blooded hobgoblin right away. I would make him suffer first. Maybe a little maiming.”

“Uh huh, torture him with hyposprays… ow!” Kirk clutched at his neck where McCoy had pressed a hypospray viciously. “That was unnecessary.”

“You’re as annoying as he is.”

“Not possible.” Kirk’s headache was already lessening. “He annoys you in a different way than I ever could….”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” McCoy huffed.

Kirk rolled his eyes. He sat down on the chair in front of McCoy’s desk and promptly put his booted feet up on the edge. “If I didn’t know any better, I would say Spock enjoys bickering with you.”

“Debating.” McCoy knocked Kirk’s boots off his desk and perched on the edge. “He’s always wrong.”

“Uh huh. I never told you something I heard about Spock’s mother.”

“I don’t want to hear gossip about a dead woman.”

“It’s not gossip. It’s fact.” Kirk decided to follow through with a new tactic in the Bones-Spock saga. “I bet you didn’t know that Lady Grayson was a first rate debater. Apparently, she sought the Ambassador out at some fancy pants Starfleet soirée and they ended up debating Starfleet education policy all night. Then, she proceeded to argue her position through communiqués. She was by all accounts a brilliant and persistent woman.”

“So?”

“Take away her composure…” Kirk’s gaze travelled slowly up his friend’s frame. “And shake up the anatomy a bit, add some obstinacy with a touch of crotchety, that could describe you. I bet the men in Spock’s family enjoy a challenge.”

“Goddamn it, Jim…”

“You’re a doctor, not Spock’s mom? Vigorous, civilized debate is considered foreplay on Vulcan.” Jim nearly fell out of his chair in his effort to evade McCoy’s swat at his head. “You like it. You bicker like an old married couple! Okay, a psychotic old married couple, but still an old…” McCoy landed a solid swat on Kirk’s head. “Ow!”

“I hate you.”

“I don’t believe you.” Kirk rubbed the back of your head. “I can give you a one up on him if you’re nice to me and if you’ll stop hitting me!”

“I’m not acknowledging your moronic theory.”

“Of course not.” Kirk reached out and grabbed McCoy’s wrist. “If he asks where you learned this, it wasn’t me. Got that?” Kirk quickly put his two fingers together and ran them up along, then back down McCoy’s fingers. “I just kissed my best friend.”

McCoy pulled his hand away and wiped his suddenly sweaty palm on his pants.

“You’re crazy…”

“That’s a Vulcan kiss.” Kirk laid his flat palm over his heart going for a look of sincerity. “I swear. It’ll drive him crazy and don’t ask where I learned it.”

“Get outta my office, kid,” McCoy huffed, but it lacked any real venom.

+++++

There was no “Code Sawbones” that week.

What Kirk did get was a bottle of aged whiskey personally delivered by tired and rumpled Chief Medical Officer.

Kirk was feeling mighty proud of himself until he was cornered in his Ready Room by Spock who told him, “Captain, we need to have a discussion regarding your inappropriate propositioning of Doctor McCoy…”

That day Kirk also learned it was a really bad idea to kiss your best friend, even if it was in the Vulcan way and for a good cause. He also learned that his half-Vulcan First Officer could be a possessive bastard.

What left him thinking was when McCoy pointed out later that same day was that Spock liked to engage his Captain in vigorous debate on a regular basis. McCoy hadn’t looked possessive at all, only smug. Kirk began to become paranoid when he saw McCoy, Chapel, and Uhura exchanging low whispers in the mess hall at supper.

He couldn’t shake the feeling they were plotting against him and attempted to ignore the anticipation deep in his gut. Spock gave him strange looks on the Bridge that shift.

END.


End file.
